The Food Network

When you break your jaw, you realize that the ability to chew is something you simply took for granted.

Sure, I occasionally enjoyed turning on The Food Network. Before my accident, I became fascinated with a show I mistakenly referred to as Paula’s Deep Fryer---because the woman seemed like she was constantly deep frying everything. Every recipe started out with a stick of butter. And when I watched her make a cup of hot chocolate with pure half and half and then top it with a huge dollop of heavy whipping cream----well, it was like stopping to watch an accident. You just couldn’t help but look.

However, after my surgery, I became obsessed. After all, if I couldn’t eat, I could at least watch people cook up tasty dishes.

As I sucked down yet another jar of baby food, I watched Guy Fieri shove huge deep-fried things into his gigantic mouth on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. For weeks, I ate vicariously thru him.

And Giada! She is just so adorable! You just want to hang out in the kitchen with her and watch her make you a delicious pasta dish and a tasty salad. I love her recipes and constantly try whipping up things like her chicken carbonara and her tasty cupcakes with mascarpone cheese. Her dishes are always crowd pleasers. When I made her balsamic vinegar truffles and took a batch of them to work, one of the guys said, “Which cook is she?”

“You know, the cute Italian lady.”

“Oh, the Food Porn Lady!” he said with a laugh. Apparently there are quite a few men out there who simply enjoy watching her cook.

Of course, my absolute favorite is Alton Brown. His show, Good Eats, helps take the mystique out of things like risotto, soufflés, leg of lamb and he even devoted an entire show to the intense workout involved in making a true coconut cake. I love his sense of humor, his pop culture references and the fact that he will squeeze in about five different recipes in an episode about milk. For heavens sake, the man showed me how to make cottage cheese! I always thought that if I had to take a regular 9-5 job, it would be working as Anderson Cooper’s assistant---but that’s a whole other blog. However, in second place, I would happily work for Alton Brown any day. Sure, you might not get to travel around the world---but at least where he goes, there are no wacky wars going on.

Of course, probably the biggest star on The Food Network is Rachael Ray. Tons of chefs (including The Food Network’s own Anthony Bourdain) have made fun of her simple, quick and easy dishes. But com’on, I’d say that about 99.9% of Food Network’s viewers AREN’T chefs. And honestly, sometimes chefs aren’t the greatest cooks. The vast majority of viewers are people like myself---just looking for fun ideas for different things to make for the family dinner or to feed some special guests. Rachael Ray is our hero. And, when I could finally eat somewhat solid foods, her parsnip and potato hash was one of the first things I ate. And it was yummy!

But speaking of chefs, the ones featured on The Food Network are definitely approachable. Even Iron Chef Morimoto, the Japanese chef who is constantly speaking English and still having his English subtitled below. I understand him. Why the subtitles? And, beyond that, he looks like a Japanese Johnny Depp. He could make sushi for me anytime.

And, speaking of Anthony Bourdain---his culinary travels are amazing! And, despite his dig on my lady Rachael Ray, he seems like he would be a great guy to hang out with. A bottle of wine, some Tom Waits and a whole mess of oysters. That’s a great night. I also hear from a friend who has a friend who works for The Food Network that he's a great guy and that all the crew and Food Network Kitchen chefs LOVE him. Not a surprise at all.

And then there’s our loveable Sondra. Sondra’s catch-phrase is “semi-homemade”. She does what she has to do to get delicious, nutritious food on the table. And if anyone has a fascinating life story… Wow. The woman looks like a Barbie Doll with G.I. Joe’s guts.

But there are so many to love. The Barefoot Contessa (I feel a particular affinity with her dishes), Tyler Florence (just so entertaining and great comfort food), and the new pair of The Neelys, and Jamie Oliver. Oh, there are so many!

And I love them all! Why? Because I am completely addicted to The Food Network. What started out as an occasional cooking show here and there has now reached AA proportions.

You see, I’ve always loved to cook. I think my first entrée into the kitchen was helping my Aunt Joyce bake a cake. I was given the arduous chore of sifting the flour---which I charmingly mispronounced as “sniffing” the flour. And I still remember the day I was finally allowed to use a potato peeler. I was given a red potato and a peeler, along with very careful instructions on how to safely operate the sharp instrument. My aunt sat down next to me and peeled almost five pounds of potatoes in the time it took me to do one. However, despite my slow potato-peeling pace, I was rewarded with so much praise and was able to utter my favorite commercial jingle, “It’s Shake and Bake! And I helped!”

However, while my Aunt’s Kitchen was kid-friendly, my Grandma’s Kitchen was no place for a child. Grandma didn’t have the time for my slow potato-peeling pace. The kitchen was no place for fun and games. Meals needed to be on the table and there was no time for nonsense.

And Grandma’s Kitchen was enormous. Two refrigerators. Cast iron skillets. Contraptions like waffle irons and electric mixers. And an entire room off to the side of the kitchen known as a Butler’s Pantry---the cabinets of which were stocked full of spices, flours, dried fruits and nuts, rice, and things like Baker’s Chocolate (which, I learned the hard way, was not tasty at all).

It was a culinary wonderland.

My Grandma was 100% Polish, but born in St. Louis---so her style of cooking was based on a mix of heritage and regional fare. The Polish dishes she grew up with combined with the Southern cooking that comes from St. Louis being right on the border of what I like to call the Biscuits and Gravy Belt, mixed with a bit of Italian influence due to the influx of Italian immigrants that had migrated to the South Side of St. Louis where she lived.

One day you’d get Spaghetti with homemade meat sauce, the next you’d find Southern Fried Chicken on you plate and the next…well, it would be something weird and Polish. Trust me, Polish Kielbasa and Sauerkraut was a good day. Some of those Polish dishes were scary.

Grandma was also my part-time baby-sitter and, may I say, lunch was a crap shoot. Many was the summer day I’d come inside after a long and vigorous morning of playing in the back yard, only to be greeted with a Head Cheese Sandwich.

And for those of you who don’t know what Head Cheese is----well, it sure ain’t cheese. It wasn’t until years later that I learned that what I’d been eating was actually parts of a cow’s head (lips, eyes, snout, etc.) held together with the gelatin from the meat. Grandma would take two pieces of white bread, dip them in a plate filled with apple cider vinegar, and slap a piece of Head Cheese in the middle.

“There you go. Lunch.”

Oddly enough, I actually found this sandwich delicious. Well, you pour a bunch of apple cider vinegar on pretty much anything and I could call it a meal.

It wasn’t till college that I learned that Head Cheese wasn’t actually cheese and I haven’t been able to touch it since.

Head Cheese Sandwiches aside, I was not to be deterred in the kitchen. While my mother worked full-time and really only had the energy to make a weekly Sunday dinner---I was a kid with lots of time on my hands. And suddenly festooned with my newest baby-sitter---my Uncle Virgil. And Uncle Virgil couldn’t cook.

My first classic dish was a little something I liked to call Buttered Noodles. Shell noodles boiled up and covered in melted butter----mmmm. Well, actually it was margarine. But my brother and I did love our Buttered Noodles. It’s noodles and it’s butter. What’s wrong with that?

My second classic dish was Corn Bread and Beans. A can of great northern beans heated up in a saucepan with a quick mix cornbread. Simple and delicious! I alternated back and forth between these tried-and-true dishes for months. Despite the repition, no one seemed to complain.

However, when I wasn’t reading, writing, practicing the piano or cleaning the house---I generally found myself in my Mom’s kitchen with her Joy Book of Cooking. To this day, my Mom remembers coming home and finding little dishes I’d cooked up all on my own. Once, she was out at a relative’s birthday party and came home to find me in the kitchen, welcoming her home with, “Hey! I baked a loaf of bread!”

She didn’t believe me. But I did. And it was amazing. The smell of fresh, baked bread alone was enough to make me want to learn more and more.

When I went away to college, my Aunt Joyce gave me a hot pot for my dorm room. I could make entire meals with just a hot pot and a little mini-fridge. People would come from down the hall to get my spaghetti and my tuna and noodle hot pot casserole.

At my job before moving to New York, I was known for bringing a Soup of the Day into the office. The office loved my homemade lentil soup, my cabbage soup, chicken noodle and all the fresh baked breads I made to go with them.

To this day, I still don’t have a fancy kitchen like the kitchens on The Food Network. But you’d be surprised at what you can do with a few pots and pans, a stocked spice cabinet and a trip to the Farmer’s Market. And, despite my small Manhattan Kitchen, I have all the ingredients of the world available to me in this city.

I moved into my lovely apartment almost a year ago to the day. I do love it here. It’s so peaceful and yet, still Manhattan. Tho don’t get my started on the A Train. Last night I wrote my THIRD complaint letter to the MTA. I’m waiting for my pat response regarding the “ongoing track work”.

In any case, I realized that a year has gone by and I have yet to have any kind of a housewarming party. Of course, a year later, it’s not really a house warming party. But who cares? It’s a party. And the most important thing to me is making some super fantabulous dishes for my friends. To that end, I am glued to The Food Network for ideas. Sure, I have a few tricks up my cook’s sleeve. But I always love trying new things, new ingredients and new techniques. The plan is to practice a few dishes to see how they turn out. Planning the fest for about a month and a half from now. And the party plan will be to show a few of the new films I’m shooting with friends and just have a great feast with great food and drinks.

And, after my accident, I'm a survivor, damnit. I deserve a party!