Beowulf

What’s the deal with Beowulf?

I mean, seriously---why is it such a big deal?

I tried to read Beowulf. Three times. Count ‘em. Three. I’ve never been able to get thru it. But I know how it ends. Spoiler alert: Beowulf dies. How do I know? Skipped to the end. I just couldn’t take it. That was in grammar school. Sixth grade, if I recall. Why an 11 year-old needs to read a poem written in Olde English, I have no idea.

I bring up Beowulf, because I was in a conversation the other day with some friends and the subject of Beowulf came up. No, I was not hanging out with literature professors. It was me, a political comic, and a guy who works at the Italian Consulate. None of us dumb people, by any means; but none of us the sort who would suddenly leap whole heartedly into a conversation about Beowulf. And, frankly, who does? For no sooner did the subject come up, than it was quietly dropped. Someone mentioned Beowulf, and suddenly all you could hear were crickets. Why? Because no one likes Beowulf.

No one liked it in sixth grade. And no one liked it a few years later in high school when it was trudged out before us again like leftover fried liver. By the second time around, I’d come to the conclusion that even teachers realize that there is truly no time in life when knowledge of Beowulf will come in handy. Sure, they give a quiz. They have to. That’s their job. However, in order to pass it, there are just a few basic things you need to know.

Beowulf. It’s an epic poem. Beowulf is the hero. Grendel. He’s the monster. It’s in Anglo-Saxon. And, for extra credit---who wrote it? Anonymous.

And if you just know these few answers, you’ll pass. Because even teachers know that this is a complete waste of time. I generally consider myself an over-achiever. But with Beowulf, I was willing to settle for average. Why? Because there is no time in life that you will ever EVER need to know about Beowulf. Grendel. Anglo-Saxon poem. Anonymous. That’s all you will ever need to know about Beowulf in any conversation. Never have I been on a job interview and been asked about Beowulf. Never have I sat down to do my taxes and needed any knowledge of Beowulf in order to fill out the forms. Never have I had to quote anything from Beowulf in order to put together a bookshelf from Ikea. And I’ve hung out with intellectuals. Lots of them. They’ll discuss Keats, Jung, Nietzsche, Bloomsbury writers, The Zimmerman Papers, monasteries in England that no longer exist, whether The Raj Quartet was a realistic interpretation of colonial rule in India---but they will NOT mention Beowulf. Ever.

Nonetheless, a few years later, I decided to give it the old college try. No, it was not required reading for a class. I decided, on my own, to finally read Beowulf. I was in college. I was trying to be smart. Perhaps I’d missed something. With an open, mature mind, I picked up the book. And it was just as boring as ever. After a few pages, I put the book down, never to pick it up again.

Now, I’m not one to shy away from things that other people think are boring. I love Bach. So much so that I added a second minor in college---harpsichord. I’ve studied Hindi. HINDI! For god sakes, my favourite period in American History is the Industrial Revolution. I have no aversion to potential boredom. But Beowulf stops even me dead in my tracks.

As I thought about Beowulf, I realized that the ultimate proof of Beowulf’s lack of entertainment value comes from the Entertainment Capital of the World itself---Hollywood. After all, it’s been almost 1300 years, it’s a pretty good guess that Beowulf is in the Public Domain. So, where are the movies about Beowulf? Hmmm? I logged onto Imdb.com and typed in the most unlikely search ever.

Beowulf.

But there it was. Beowulf. Someone has actually made a movie of Beowulf! It comes out in November! It stars Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich and Angelina Jolie! It’s directed by Robert Zemeckis!

Beowulf!

I was in shock. Not only that, but there have been at least two other versions produced in the past 10 years. BEOWULF! None of them did very well. I can’t imagine why. After all, it’s Beowulf. Surely brings back some great childhood memories.

This can’t be right. This must be a drug front or some other sort of money-laundering scam. No one seriously puts money into Beowulf. I’d put money in the hands of the crackhead on the corner of 43rd and 8th before I’d put it into Beowulf.

Let me explain something to you---I have a weird interest in something else your average person might find boring---silent film. I know something about silent film. I’ve read a lot of books about silent film. And, from what I can recall, even the early silent film producers who made film versions of everything from The Ten Commandments to Uncle Toms’ Cabin never made of film out of Beowulf. They made films of Sarah Bernhardt doing Shakespeare---Shakespeare! Silent films of SHAKESPEARE! And yet they all had the good sense to pass on Beowulf.

But apparently, the good people at Warner Brothers decided to give it the green light. According to an article I read on this new version of Beowulf…

Okay, let me stop there. Yes. There’s press for Beowulf. Beowulf doesn’t just sell itself.

Anyway, according to this article, the script for the film was taken from several different sources of the Beowulf myth. And yeah, they admit they took some liberties with the Anglo-Saxon poem “committed to vellum sometime between 750 and 1100 A.D”---thus making it possibly the longest re-write in Hollywood history. But Beowulf?

Seriously, Beowulf? The Canterbury Tales has a better plot than Beowulf. What did they pass on? The Diary of Samuel Pepys?

Okay, call me crazy, but I don’t see Beowulf being the Blockbuster Hit of the Holiday Season. But that’s just a guess. Who did they test market this on? Druids?

However, I think the Beowulf Play Station Game---probably not so bad. I'm sure there are a lot of disgruntled sixth graders out there who can't wait to get the chance to kill Beowulf. In fact, the movie is most likely just a teaser for a kickass game.

Wait a minute. Wait just a minute.

Yes. I was right. With a Google Search that took approximately .11 seconds, I discovered that there is indeed a Beowulf XBox 360 game coming out in conjunction with the movie on November 13th. Well, it took 1300 years, but Anonymous finally got his big Hollywood break. I guess it's true what they say---there is no such thing as overnight success.